We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
