2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
