There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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