I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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