Is it normal to miss your booty call?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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