Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
