i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
