Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
he just fucked me for my cheese..
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
