Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
