You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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