Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
