im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
