In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
