I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
