Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
