can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
