Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
operation have a gay friend backfired
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
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