Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
