I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
