I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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