My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
