My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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