Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
babies were throwing up all over the place
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
