last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
