I wish life had little blips of pornography
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
