careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
