I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
