the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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