oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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