The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
