I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
