If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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