my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
