So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I forgot how hot balto sounded
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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