Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
