my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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