Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
