Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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