I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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