Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
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