You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
