it's too hot outside to masturbate.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
found the other keg... it's in the tree
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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