I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
