sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
