her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Green mimosas i think yes
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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