is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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