At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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