I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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