dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
