Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I need water and some morals
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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