This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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