I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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