thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
