I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
