Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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