Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
