Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
