Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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