Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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